For a large part of my life, I didn’t think I was neglecting myself, I was busy.
And I was busy. There were children, work, a home, animals and all the things that come with having a full life. I am also an active and creative person. I like doing things, making things and starting things. There was always something that needed doing and, when there wasn’t, I would find something.
I smoked in those days, and smoking was my pause. I rolled myself a cigarette and sat down for a while between chores. It is funny that smoking was a reason to sit down, but wanting a rest wasn’t.
I also saved things for later. The good perfume, a dress, something I wanted to do. Later always felt like it was right around the corner, while today was full of things that needed doing.
I think many of us do this. We buy something beautiful and save it for a special occasion. Why? Isn’t an ordinary Tuesday a reason enough to use the good perfume?
I didn’t think about any of this at the time. I was living my life, and what needed doing came first. Personal pleasure could wait even though, in a way, a lot of the doing was pleasurable to me.
I grew up old school. Don’t be egoistic.
Paying attention to yourself was selfish. Anything with too much focus on the Self was considered self-indulgent. Being high maintenance was a joke and not something you wanted to be called.
For girls it was complicated. We loved clothes, make-up and hair. We experimented with how we looked and who we were. The girl who spent a lot of time beautifying herself could be envied and judged at the same time. Look good, but don’t be too interested in looking good.
Then we grow up and that wonderful experimenting with ourselves gets replaced by more serious things. We become wives, mothers, workers, carers, organisers and whatever else life demands of us. Be pleasant. Be accommodating. Don’t make too much fuss.
Do not rock the boat.
Women have depended on marriage, family, employers and social approval for security until recent history, and these patterns run deep. Fitting in mattered and belonging still matters. We adapt to the people and circumstances around us, and after a while adaptation becomes habit.
Somewhere along the way, we start looking at ourselves through other people’s eyes and this is why self-neglect can be so difficult to recognise. It doesn’t always look like neglect. We don’t walk around dirty and unkempt, having completely given up on ourselves. We can look good, have a lovely home, work, exercise, care for our families and be very capable women.
I was capable and amazing. But at the same time something was missing and it made me sad. I couldn’t describe it, how do you explain that something is missing when nothing is obviously wrong?
I had a beautiful life that I had chosen. So why wasn’t I happier?
There was shame as well. I felt I should be more grateful. I had so much, and still it wasn’t enough.
So I carried on…We are very good at carrying on.
Now I understand that in all my glorious busi-ness, I didn’t pay much attention to myself. There was always something to do and a big family to be there for.
Of course the people we love need us, but sometimes a request comes with a hook: If you don’t help me, what happens next is your fault. It creates resentment and I carried a lot of resentment. I had said yes too many times when I really wanted to say no, and somewhere inside I was waiting for someone to step us for me.
At what point does another person become more important than me, and why? Would that person do the same for me?
Somewhere along the way, putting ourselves second can become automatic.
I didn’t notice because I was busy and it took getting sick for me to stop.
Suddenly I had to focus on myself in a way I had never done before. My health, my emotions and the way I had lived became a puzzle I wanted to understand and I found that I had not been kind to myself.
That was hard to see.
I rested a lot. I read books. I did things because they were pleasurable and fun and joyeuse. For a long time I still had the urge to get up and do something useful but there wasn’t much to do, so I became calmer.
With more peace, space and fewer demands, I started looking at what I really wanted from life.
And I started to remember my dreams. I also found what I didn’t want but thought I wanted. Big surprise there. To my surprise it wasn’t easy. Sometimes it was just empty spaces waiting to be filled with something I could not put into words. Just a vague feeling.
You have to leave yourself behind to realise the true value of yourself.
For me it took a crisis. For someone else it may be menopause, divorce, children leaving home, retirement, grief, or one day we realise that the way we have been living doesn’t work for us anymore.
We need more.
This is where self-care becomes interesting to me. We talk a lot about self-care these days and much of it is about things we can do. Have a massage. Go to the gym. Eat well. Take a bath. Have a facial. Take some time for yourself.
I love all of those things. But we can have a massage on Wednesday and still cancel ourselves on Thursday. Self-care started when I decided to always check in with myself first.
Many of us grew up with some version of the idea that pleasure is self-indulgent. Something useful feels more important than something pleasurable.
So maybe we need to ask ourselves if this bring pleasure or joy.
I used to save the good perfume, the one that gave me pleasure every time I wore it. I still don’t know what I was saving it for.
Remember how we experimented as teenagers with clothes, hair, music and interests, finding out who we were and what we liked? There was excitement in discovering ourselves.
I think we need some of that again.
Wear the dress. Change your hair. Take dancing lessons. Read a book all afternoon. Try something you have wanted to try. Find out you hate it and never do it again. Find something else and love it.
Become the centre of your Universe again. It may take some getting used to.”
Always remember your dreams, use the good perfume and play the game of life.
Love, Anna